The Merchant of South Park
by UNofFangirls
Summary: Mr. Garrison's Sophomore English class is due to perform a classic on stage: The Merchant of Venice! What happens when Kyle is given an all too familiar role, one that just might out him to the entire school? Style and Bunny
1. TMSP Chapter One: Shakespeare Sucks!

**All characters and events in this fanfiction--even those based on real people--are entirely fictional. All celebrity descriptions are made up… poorly. The following fanfiction contains coarse language and due to its content should not be read by anyone.**

**South Park © Matt Stone and Trey Parker**

**The Merchant of Venice © William Shakespeare**

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"All right you little faggots, shut the hell up."

Mr. Garrison commanded the attention of his sophomore English class. All the students faced the front of the class, momentarily stopping their chatter to find out what the hell their drama queen of a teacher had to say. Garrison sighed, dropping a stack of books on his desk before taking a piece of chalk and writing out something on the blackboard. When he finished, he turned back around with an annoyed look plastered on his face.

"All right, so the South Park School District came out with all these gay rules, and I have to follow them or the Principal is gona dock my pay. This year we have to read at least one Shakespearian play, and some stupid bitch on the PTA suggested we actually act one out. So, lucky us, we're gona be acting out The Merchant of Venice."

A moan rippled through the class, and several students rather explicitly expressed their complaints. Stan leaned over in his seat towards Kyle. "Dude, this is so gay. I don't wana do this."

"Dude, I know." Kyle then smirked and turned towards Stan, his now loose, dark curls bouncing on his face. "At least now I won't feel bad for cheating for you."

Stan scoffed before smiling at the Jewish teen. "Please Kyle; you know you'd do anything for me." He then redirected his gaze back towards the front of the class, missing the pink blush that spread across the bride of his best friend's nose.

"Yeah… I would."

"Don't you little pieces of shit be complaining, my salary is the thing on the line here. We have to perform this in front of the whole school, and anyone who fucks their performance up is gona get an F for this class."

"That's not fair!" Bebe shouted in an outrage. Wendy was right next to her, nodding in agreement.

"Don't get you're Hello Kitty panties in a bunch," Mr. Garrison shot back at the girls. Out of the corner of his eye, Kenny saw Butters look down at his lap in confusion. "I casted all of your parts so there's no chance of any of you screwing this up."

"And this is mandatory?" Token questioned sadly.

"Yes, so shut the hell up and let me get to your roles."

Kenny rolled his eyes and turned in his seat. "This has got to be the gayest thing he's ever done."

"Are you sure about that?" Stan asked with a hint of amusement in his voice. "He's done some pretty gay things."

Kenny snorted. "Okay, well... they gayest things he's made _us_ do… in a while."

Kyle chuckled and shook his head, curls bobbing once again. "Am I the only one who's looking at it like it might be fun?"

"I don't think so," Kenny stated, nodding in Butters direction. The blonde had a wide grin plastered on his face and seemed to be excited about the whole experience. Butters looked in their direction, noticing that all three boys were looking at him, and immediately his grin disappeared and he looked away.

"Aw, don't pick on him like that," Kyle stated with a small frown. "He doesn't really have any friends besides the fat ass."

Kenny flipped his bangs out of his face and shrugged. "It doesn't matter to me. Butters is a pussy, and I'm not interested in anyone who won't stand up for themselves."

"I said shut your fucking mouths!" Mr. Garrison suddenly yelled. He slammed his desk drawer, where he had been looking for the cast sheet, and walked back to the front of the class. "Alright… now, I'm not gona bother telling you what this thing is about. Big Gay Al is gona be your director and shit anyways, so I'll just leave all that up to him."

"Dude, I don't want to be bossed around by some queer!" Cartman shouted.

"Alright, so first is the role of Bassanio," Mr. Garrison started, ignoring Cartman completely. "He's the dirt poor main character that get's a loan in order to win over some bitch with a ton of cash. That'll be Stan."

"Seriously?" Stan perked up.

"Next is Antonio, Bassanio's best friend who's gay for him and takes up Bassanio's loan for him. That's gona be Kyle, because it just seemed appropriate."

"H-hey! What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Kyle questioned, completely red in the face. He heard Cartman snicker and sunk into his seat.

"Then we're gonna have Shylock, the money grubber Jew with a stick up his ass. That's Cartman."

"What?!" Cartman shouted before standing up from his seat. "Why the fuck am I some Jew? Why can't that be Kyle?!"

Mr. Garrison sighed. "Because no one likes Shylock and no one likes you. Besides, you get to exact revenge on Kyle, so enjoy yourself while you can you little piece of crap."

Cartman grumbled before accepting his role and sitting back in his seat. Kyle sighed, still embarrassed that his teacher alluded to him being gay for Stan. It was true, but Kyle was having a hard enough time as it was keeping it secret. Stan turned to him, his big blue eyes offering sympathy and silent encouragement. Kyle smiled back; at least he would be playing a part he already knew: Stan's best friend.

"Alright, so next is Portia, the stuck up, rich Princess that Bassanio is gona marry to pay his bills. That's gona be Wendy."

Kyle suddenly froze in his seat and felt the blood leave his face. Stan's character was in love with Wendy's character, and was trying to win her heart. Kyle's character was Stan's best friend, and from what he remembered from what he saw of the play, Antonio was nearly in love with Bassanio: his **best friend**. Yeah, this was a role Kyle knew way too well.

Kyle saw Wendy smile at Stan, who smiled back brightly before looking back at Garrison. Kyle was beginning to feel sick.

"So, Portia's little servant girl, Nerissa, is gona be Bebe, because she already does a great job at that."

"Excuse me?"

"And then we're back to the guys with Gratiano, the drunken idiot who goes with Bassanio and ends up banging Nerissa, and that is-"

Kenny, Stan, and Kyle all sighed and looked at each other. This role was Kenny's, hands down.

"Craig."

"What?" all three boys chorused in surprise.

"Yeah, well, I figured that even though Kenny is a drunken man slut," to this, the golden blonde smiled in approval, "it wouldn't be the same, since Kenny can't speak. At least Craig can get through a sentence with people understanding him."

Kenny was looking at Garrison like he had just turned uglier. "What the hell are you talking about, you stupid queer?! I don't have a parka anymore, people understand me fine!"

"Shut the hell up, Kenny. I already have another role for you. Now you're gona be Lorenzo, the guy who convinces Shylocks daughter to run away with him and spend all her fathers' money."

For a second, South Park High's playboy was speechless, before he shrugged. "That sounds cool too."

"And as for Jessica, Shylock's daughter that runs away with Lorenzo, we have Butters."

"Um w-what?" Butters looked up with confusion and a blush on his cheeks.

"Oh my God, you can't be serious!" Kenny exclaimed in disgust.

"Yes, I'm serious. Cartman is always manipulating Butters, so it's the perfect role," Mr. Garrison stated angrily. "Not only that, but none of the other girls in this class are important enough to have names, so Butters is a girl."

"Aw… do I have to be a girl?" he asked sadly.

"Yes, Butters, you do."

"Aw, now I know my Dad's gona beat me," the blonde mumbled to himself.

Kenny sat in his seat angrily, giving Butters a glare from the corner of his eyes. This seemed to intimidate the younger boy even further, and he quickly slid into his desk and looked forward anxiously.

"Launcelot, the clown with the shitty jokes, is gona be played by Tweek."

The spastic teen twitched in his seat and rapidly shook his head. "No way, that's way too much pressure."

"Oh shut the hell up. Now the three guys with the names that start with S are gona be Timmy, Jimmy, and Pip. I don't give a fuck who's who. None of you have big speaking parts and they're not important characters. So last but not least are the Prince's that try to marry Wendy before Stan comes."

Only two guys were really left for these roles: Token and Clyde. Token and Wendy had gone out after Stan and Wendy had broken up, and now the rumor around school was that Clyde and Wendy were starting something. Either way, Kyle was nervous about this whole play.

"So Token will be the Prince of Morocco, because he's black."

Token frowned. "That's not cool man."

"And Clyde will be the Prince of Arragon… cause he's the only one left. And there are more people, but I don't give a monkey's ass. I'm going outside for a cigarette."

With that, Mr. Garrison tossed the cast sheet over his shoulder and stalked out of the classroom. A second later, the bell rang for everyone to go home. Their scripts were to be picked up on the way out.

Kenny looked at his friends with an expression that oozed despair. "I'm stuck with Butters… not some hot girl with no brain or some sexy guy whose homophobic… just Butters. What the hell?"

"Cheer up, man," Kyle stated, patting Kenny on the shoulder, "at least he'll be a good scene partner."

Kenny groaned. "Whatever… see you guys tomorrow?"

"See ya, man," Stan stated waving goodbye. Kyle smiled and waved himself before Kenny sulked through the halls in search of someone to have mindless, empty sex with.

"Hey Stan, what's up?"

Stan and Kyle turned around to see Wendy, with Bebe right behind her. Kyle was completely left out of the greeting, leaving the Jewish teen slightly frazzled.

"So Stan, ready to be stage lovers?" Wendy asked with a toothpaste white smile.

"It'll be easy, I just have to pretend we're dating again," Stan teased back. Wendy laughed before bidding him goodbye, taking Bebe along with her. Once they were gone, Stan let out a sigh.

"What's up?" Kyle asked his friend.

"Nothing… it's just, I'm really tiered of people pairing Wendy and me up. We're not like that anymore, and we've both moved on."

A thin eyebrow raised slightly. "Both of you?"

Stan shrugged, and a light blush covering his cheeks. "You know… I can't stay uninterested forever, dude." The two walked out of the class, scripts in hand, and towards the front of the school.

"You never told me any of this," Kyle exclaimed. "Who is it?"

"Who?" Stan questioned as they walked across the crosswalk.

"The person who has you interested!" Kyle replied angrily. "We're best friends, I think I should know who your love interest is."

Stan frowned, not looking at his friend. "Well… it's not like I don't want you to know."

"Then who is it?"

There was a pause before Stan sighed uncomfortably. "Okay, I don't want you to know. But hey, you're not one to talk."

Kyle blushed furiously. "W-what are you talking about?"

Stan smirked and looked Kyle straight in the eye. "Oh please, dude. I should know by now when you're crushing on someone."

"D-do you know who it is?" Kyle questioned nervously.

"Nope, but I can tell. You seem to be on cloud nine sometimes, and I notice when it happens. Just haven't put my finger on who yet."

Kyle sighed in relief. He did _not_ need Stan knowing who his secret lover was. "Okay… so we both have secrets. It doesn't matter, you still have to tell me."

"No way, dude! You'll have to tell me who you like first! You've liked them longer."

"How would you know that?!" Kyle was about to explode from embarrassment.

"Dude, I noticed you were head over heals before I fell for… a certain person, myself."

Kyle stared at his friend, mouth agape in surprise by Stan's powers of deduction. Kyle was supposed to be the witty smart-ass that figured things out; this made him look like a total idiot. Stan Marsh, the star athlete of the town and the boy who was tutored by Kyle in almost every subject, had figured out Kyle was in love before Kyle had done the same.

"I can't believe I'm losing to you," Kyle mumbled in defeat.

Stan scoffed at that. "Dude, we're closer than Kenny and porn."

Kyle laughed at this before turning the corner. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But even still, it hurts me, as a man, to know that you've found me out before I could find you out."

"Well, actually, I've been into this person for a year or so…" Stan stated with a light blush.

Kyle looked at him, eyes wide in surprise and slight disappointment. He didn't even realize Stan was in love and the two were always together. And it was true: the two were almost always side by side. Whether it be during lunch, after school, or during the weekend, Stan and Kyle were almost like a couple themselves.

"_But we aren't…" _Kyle thought in disdain.

"Alright dude," Stan said, snapping Kyle out of his thoughts. "Well, I have to go now."

Kyle was slightly shocked to find that they had already reached Stan's house. They hadn't been walking for that long, had they? Or perhaps Kyle was just too occupied in his mind to notice. Either way, the little time they did get to have was not enough.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow man. Same time, same place as always."

"You know it," Stan replied chuckling.

Kyle smiled and waved good-bye to his best friend and love interest before sighing and continuing to walk to South Park Elementary. He really had a lot of… interesting times in that place. What with Mr. Mackey, Mr./Mrs. Garrison, and Principle Victoria… and Chef. Too bad he had to join that… club of his and then get mauled by a bear.

Kyle stopped and waited outside the school gates. Eventually the bell rang and out came a mob of little kids all running to various minivans. Kyle smiled when he saw a little trashcan head running through the crowd and over to him. Ike smiled as he stopped in front of his older brother before hugging the redhead's torso.

"Hi Ike," Kyle greeted with a grin.

"Hi Kyle!" Ike then pulled away and took a deep breath as he prepared to tell his older brother a long-winded story. "Kyle, today Lilly and I took the booger swords over to the candy cane kings, who then gave us chocolate brownies to give to the cookie monster. But the cookie monster was mean and told us to destroy the Lego city with our play dough bombs! Then all the citizens screamed at us and threw their toothpick spears at us and I got a cut!"

Ike then lifted his finger to reveal a Hello Kitty band-aid wrapped around it. Kyle nodded before taking the younger boy's hand and beginning to walk with him towards home.

"That's nice Ike," Kyle stated with a slight smile as the two continued walking. A lot of people thought Ike wasn't too bright since he still talked like a kindergartener despite the fact that he was already in the fifth grade. Kyle knew otherwise though. He and Ike often talked deeply on a lot of subjects, and Ike was the only other person in the world, besides Kenny, who knew he liked Stan. But the little fluff ball had found that out on his own… not that it wasn't as obvious as a raging pink minivan at Lowes.

When they were a good distance away from the school Ike looked up at his older brother with a huge smile. "How was your day Kyle?"

Kyle sighed. "It was alright I guess. I'm going to be in a play for English; The Merchant of Venice."

"That was a good play. Don't tell me your Shylock," Ike stated with a giggle. See, the kid was smart.

Kyle laughed quietly and shook his head. "No, Cartman is Shylock. Stupid fat ass… I'm Bassanio… and Stan is Antonio."

"Ouch… let me guess, Wendy is Portia?" Ike asked with a wince. Kyle nodded and Ike gave his brother's hand a reassuring squeeze. "It's okay Kyle, she's not as smart as we are!"

Kyle laughed and patted his brother on the head. "Yeah, but Stan says he's not into her anymore. In fact, he's liked someone else for a long time now! How did I not know?"

"I knew," Ike declared suddenly. Kyle looked down at the little Canadian in shock, but Ike was just looking at him with a face that said: 'What, you didn't know?'

Kyle blushed and looked down at the sidewalk. "I can't believe I was one of the last to know my best friend was in love," Kyle stated with a heavy sigh.

"It's okay Kyle, it really is. I have a really strong feeling as to who it is, and I don't think Stan _wants_ you to know who it is. Just give it time." Kyle looked down at Ike and smiled softly. His brother was so smart, which was kind of embarrassing to admit.

"Okay Ike, I'll trust your judgment."

Ike then scoffed and rolled his eyes. "You should have been doing that since you entered middle school."

"Ha ha, very funny." The two boys then arrived at their house and Kyle gave Ike a little wink, to which the small black haired boy returned. Kyle opened the door and their mother came out of the kitchen smiling.

"Kyle! Ike! My boys are home!" she exclaimed happily as she opened her arms.

"Mommy!" Ike cheered happily as he ran to the larger woman. Kyle smiled and gave his Mom a hug before picking up his backpack and heading up the stairs.

"You're not going to do your homework in the kitchen Bubbeh?" Sheila asked as she took Ike by the hand. Kyle shook his head and smiled slightly at the sad frown Ike was giving him.

"But Kyle has to protect me from the zebra aliens!" he shouted in and upset tone.

"Sorry Ike, but Kyle has to go contact Captain Kenny in order to exterminate the cereal zombie under your bed!" Kyle then made a goofy face and laughed as Ike squeaked and ran behind his mother. Sheila smiled and led Ike into the kitchen, but not before Ike could offer his brother a smile. Kyle smiled back before heading to his room. He had to talk to Kenny right away.

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**Next time on The Merchant of South Park:**

**Kyle calls a close friend to deal with the hand he was dealt, and production on ****The Merchant of Venice**** begins. How will Kyle deal with his crush issues, who is Stan after, and will Kenny get over the fact that Butter's isn't the brightest bulb in the box? Find out on the next chapter of: The Merchant of South Park.**


	2. TMSP Chapter Two: Bad Acting 101

**Authors Note: Hey guys! I'm glad to see so many people have enjoyed the first chapter of TMSP so much! It's great to read all your reviews after such a long absence. Apologies from Ms. Lazy-Ass Akari for taking so long, but thanks for waiting. The boys of South Park, Colorado appreciate it! So without further ado, I present to you chapter two!**

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**All characters and events in this fanfiction--even those based on real people--are entirely fictional. All celebrity descriptions are made up… poorly. The following fanfiction contains coarse language and due to its content should not be read by anyone.**

**South Park © Matt Stone and Trey Parker**

**The Merchant of Venice © William Shakespeare**

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"This is the ultra stud, who is speaking and are you hot?"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Do you ever look at your caller ID Kenny?"

"Kyle? Oh hey!" the blonde replied cheerfully. "No, my cell is too cheap to have a caller ID. I have to work more if I want a better phone, and that would take my beautiful body away from the adoring public!"

Kyle sighed and smiled slightly. This was so like Kenny; a raging sea of hormones. But Kenny had gotten a job when he got into High School, and he was working hard as a waiter at a really nice restaurant in their crappy little town. He was saving up for a nice car, so Kyle understood why he had a shitty phone. He admired the fact that Kenny was working so hard and still managed to feed his addiction at the same time.

"Right dude, because the world would stop if Kenny died," Kyle stated sarcastically. He was laughing though, and the laugh Kenny gave marked that the joke was in good.

"Ouch! Hey, I've managed to reduce my days down to once every three weeks or so." Kenny chuckled and doodled on his math homework. "Anyways man, why'd you call?"

Kyle sighed at the shift in conversation and took out his own homework, hooking up the ear jack to his phone so he could be hands free. "Well, it's about the play dude. I've seen it… sorta… and I already know that Antonio is just like me."

"You mean he waits for his best friend to come sweep him off his feet while the bitch from prissy land steals him away?"

"Exactly," Kyle stated in disdain. "Oh, but Stan likes another person… so I feel a little better."

"No shit dude," Kenny replied. Just because he replayed the scenario didn't mean he thought it was real.

"Are you all fucking serious?!" Kyle shouted into the Bluetooth. Kenny cringed and fell over in his desk chair before climbing back up. Kyle yelled… loudly.

"Okay, really man? I mean, Stan has been goo-goo-gaga for _over_ a year now. He just hasn't realized it. When he came to me, telling me he thought he had a crush on… um… Person X, I punched him and told him it was about time."

Kyle couldn't believe this. He honestly couldn't. Stan, his closest friend in the whole entire world and the boy he almost stalked every day, was in it for someone who he never noticed. Not only that, but Kenny _and_ Ike knew! Goddamn Ike! What the hell was going on in this town?

"Who is Person X?" Kyle urgently asked.

Kenny shook his head and sighed. "No can do buddy. Stan swore me to secrecy, and I can't break a bond of brotherhood!"

Kyle whined and rung the pencil in his hands. "But Kenny! I'm in utter turmoil right now, and you're probably sitting in your desk chair smirking right now because I'm freaking out!"

Kenny laughed as he leaned back in said chair and propped his feet on his desk. "Right you are my friend. But Kyle, calm down. Now I'm going to be serious with you." Kenny could be serious when he wanted to, and right now he knew he needed to be.

Kyle took a deep breath and slumped over his desk, pencil dropping from his hands. "Okay…. I'm fine now."

"Good… now just like I wouldn't tell Stan you like him, I can't tell you who Stan likes. He's not ready to tell you and if he's not you have to respect that. I'm sure Stan feels the same way about you not telling him."

Kyle felt angry tears in his eyes and he quickly pushed them back. "Yeah dude…. but why did he have to tell _you_ first and not me?" Kyle asked solemnly.

Kenny shrugged, though the gesture was unseen through the receiver. "He said the same to me when I confirmed his suspicions that you liked someone." Kenny heard Kyle about to say something and quickly cut him off. "No, I didn't tell him who. Now, are you still upset with the whole Wendy thing?"

Kyle sighed and bit his lip. "Kind of man. I mean, they went out for a long time. Not breaking up until the eighth grade was a big thing and… I feel like she could steal him again if she wanted."

"Dude, don't think that way. I personally think she might be a lesbian, but you never know. Anyways, I have to be going. I gotta finish my homework and then bike off to the restaurant. See you tomorrow," Kenny stated with a sigh as he finally began erasing all the little doodles of naughty things on his homework.

"Okay man, see you tomorrow, bye." With that both boys hung up and Kyle returned to his work. Better finish it up before dinner.

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The next day was pretty uneventful. Kyle walked Ike to school before meeting up with Stan and walking with him to the bus stop, where they would meet with Kenny and Cartman. The boys went their separate ways through classes, and Kyle was thankful he had at least four out of six classes a day with his best friend. Although the main reason Stan was tutored by Kyle in almost every subject was because he took all the hard classes in order to _make_ that happen. The two were glued to one another.

Attached to their script was a schedule of rehearsals. Most of them were, of course, during English class, but it turned out that the main characters had an hour practice after school every day, even the block days. It worked out fine for the boys, all four of them. Football season was over and because of a bad case of swimmers ear Stan wasn't on the swim team, Mrs. Broflovski had agreed to pick up Ike from school, and Kenny had talked to his boss and worked out a later work schedule. Cartman also managed to move his Neo-Nazi Supremacist meetings to lunch, which he bitched about for about an hour to poor Butters. Although he was stuck for a new meeting time when they had lunch rehearsals a week before the big performance… which he once again kept bitching about.

It was the end of the day and Mr. Garrison's English class was gathered in the audience seats of the school theater. Kyle, Stan and Kenny were all sitting together, and Cartman was sitting with Butters a few rows up. The boys could still hear the fat ass complaining from where they sat.

"Man, I feel bad for Butters. The time we spend with Cartman sucks, but imagine _always_ having to be around him." Stan nodded in agreement to what Kyle had to say, and Kenny merely shrugged and put his feet on top of the chair in front of him.

"I don't really care for Butters… at all," he stated in annoyance as he glared towards the back of the shivering blonde head.

Stan frowned and leaned over to look at Kenny, who was on the other side of Kyle. "Dude, what the hell did Butters do to piss you off so much?" It wasn't malicious, but actually very curious. Kyle shared the curiosity, and he looked at Kenny expectantly.

Kenny took a deep breath and took a break from trying to bore a hole in the back of the other blonde's head in order to look at his friends. "Butters just pisses me off. He's always hanging around Cartman and because he's so pathetic he can't even stick up for himself. And yet he saved the world from every scary movie monster invented and a set of fucked up woodland creatures! Not only that, but…" Kenny blushed angrily and looked at his shoes, "he took my place."

It took Kyle a second to realize what Kenny was talking about when he sighed. "Dude, we're sorry for that."

It seemed as if Stan had finally caught on because he added, "Yeah man, we were young and we didn't get the concept of death because… well... you kept coming back."

Kenny huffed a bit before breaking into a smile. "Oh you guys know I can't stay mad at you two sexy men!" he stated happily before reaching around to give Stan and Kyle a big group hug.

Stand laughed as he was smashed into his best friend. Kyle looked at the quarterback and blushed before elbowing Kenny in the gut. Kenny immediately let go and coughed, although it still sounded like a bit of a laugh. He opened his mouth to say something when suddenly a flamboyant gay hello was heard through the theater.

"Hello boys and girls!" Big Gay Al greeted happily as he bounded over to the microphone on the stage. He picked up the mic and cleared his throat before looking over the class. "As you all know I'm Big Gay Al, and I'll be your fabulous director, choreographer, costume designer, set designer, and musical director. Our stage effects will be handled by Mr. Joe over there," Big Gay Al stated as he waved to the man with a rather large baseball cap covering his face behind the glass of the tech box.

"Musical director and choreographer?" Kyle asked aloud. "Isn't this Shakespeare?"

"Why yes silly, but can't Shakespeare be fabulous?"

"No he fucking can't Al!" Mr. Garrison suddenly shouted before taking a seat in the front row.

"Oh Herbert, what are you doing here Mister?" Gay Al asked as he turned to the angry teacher.

Mr. Garrison rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "The principal said I had to observe the class during the production, so I am. No fancy Broadway shit Al, I want this to be as close to not that shitty as possible." Mr. Garrison then pulled out a magazine and began reading it. Big Gay Al took his cue and asked the students up to the stage, smiling to them all as they gathered around him.

"Okay kids, so can all my leads please come here and can all of the other kids please go to talk to Mr. Joe?" Al asked. The students all went off to where they should be and rehearsal started. Big Gay Al spoke mostly about that play and how each actor should 'embody their character'. After a quick read through and a discussion on what people are 'expecting' from the production the bell rang and everyone but the main actors were dismissed. With a ten minuet break the boys decided to check around back stage and find somewhere to hang out.

Kenny plopped down on one of the platforms on the side stage. It was high off the ground so actors had a place to walk to when the school had two story scenery, and it looked out over the whole stage. Kyle climbed up the ladder leading to the platform, then Stan, and the three sat up there, deciding this would be their new spot.

"This is perfect! It's semi hidden and we can see everything. Dude, maybe I should join theater," Kenny stated with a goofy smile as he looked down to the girls chatting directly below them.

Kyle rolled his eyes and pulled out his blood glucose monitor, carefully taking a reading of his glucose levels. "Kenny, for some reason that idea fits you all too well."

Kenny scoffed before laying belly down on the wooden platform as he scooped out the theater. "Maybe acting is my calling… hey, look at Cartman."

Stan and Kyle crawled over to the edge of their sitting stage and looked to where Cartman was. He was smacking Butters on the head, yelling at him for something or another. Kyle furrowed his eyebrows in anger and grit his teeth.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" he asked furiously.

"He's Cartman man… but… ouch, Butters is really getting one over," Stan observed, wincing from the pain Butters was probably in. Cartman was currently punching him in the dark corner of the theater. Craig and Token were laughing their heads off, which only made Kyle angrier.

"They're not doing anything to help him!"

"He's Butters," Kenny stated before rolling onto his back, "No one cares."

Kyle huffed before walking over to the ladder. "Well I do!" Stan and Kenny watched as Kyle stalked over to Cartman, tapping him on the shoulder and obviously interrupting him. There were a few verbal exchanges, a large shout of 'fat-ass', and then a stomp on the foot before Kyle was leading Butters back over to where the boys were sitting. Kenny and Stan had climbed down the ladder when they saw Kyle coming, smiling as he came over.

"Dude! I knew you hated him, but wow! He wasn't even insulting you before you walked over to him!" Kenny shouted excitedly.

Kyle rolled his eyes and pat Butter's back. "He was picking on someone, what was I gona do?"

"W-w-well thank K-Kyle," Butters stuttered as he knocked his knuckles together. He looked at Kyle and smiled, then at the other two and shrank at the mean look Kenny was giving him. "Oh hamburgers…" he whispered sadly.

Kyle gave Kenny a look and the blonde diverted his attention, ignoring Butters. "It's okay Butters," the Jew said with a smile. "You just sit with us from now on, okay?"

Butters smiled at Kyle and nodded. "G-gee! Th-thanks bunches Kyle."

"Time for rehearsal kids!" Big Gay Al suddenly shouted. The students groaned and went to their places, scripts in hand as they practiced act one. Not all of them were needed, but everyone still had to be there. It was part of their grade, and nearly everyone hated it. So with great dismay the children watched as the boys acted out scene one. It was difficult getting past Timmy and Jimmy talking, but once Stan and Kyle got to act on the stage together, it was all extremely natural.

"O my Antonio, had I but the means to hold a rival place with them, I have a mind presages me such thrift that I should questionless be fortunate!" Stan read although roughly, still with plenty of heart and drama.

Kyle walked over to his friend, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Thou know'st that all my fortunes are at sea. Neither have I money nor commodity to raise a present sum." Kyle then sighed and smiled genuinely at Stan. "Therefore go forth, try what my credit in Venice can do- thou salt be racked even to the uttermost to furnish thee to Belmont," Kyle's eyes then downcast as he finished, "to fair Portia. Go presently inquire, and so will I, where money is, and I no question make to have it of my trust or for my sake."

The two boys then walked off the stage and Big Gay Al jumped up and down as he applauded. "Oh boys that was so fabulous!" Al stated excitedly. "The chemistry between you two is amazing!"

The two smiled at each other before going down to the audience. It was Bebe and Wendy's turn, and after that everyone was set to go home. Butters was nervously sitting by Kenny when the other boys arrived. The older blonde had his arms crossed and was glaring at the chair in front of him while Butters nervously toyed with his shirt. Kyle sighed and sat next to the new group member and Stan sat next to his best friend.

"So you guys, what have you been talking about?" Kyle asked, trying to break the ice.

"Nothing," Kenny responded instantly. Butters sighed beside him and looked down sadly. Kyle felt bad for the poor boy and smiled when he thought of a great plan.

"Hey Stan, we haven't see Transformers yet, huh?" Kyle asked loud enough for the two blondes to hear.

Stan raised an eyebrow and leaned over a bit so no one but Kyle could listen. "Dude, we saw it three times already."

Kyle winked at Stan and smiled. "I know, just go along with it."

Stand nodded and smiled. "Friday is fine with me man. It looks awesome!"

"Yeah, it does. Hey Kenny, want to come? We'll pay for your ticket!" If Kyle was correct, Kenny would have no objections to a free movie.

Just like the redhead had thought, Kenny shifted to a more relaxed position and looked at his friend with a trademark 'Kenny Grin'. "Sure dude, I'd love to see it. We should go to the Wendy's by the theater afterwards."

Stan looked at Kyle and smirked. "Perfect idea Kenny!"

"Oh hey, Butters do you want to come along?" Kyle suddenly asked. Butters gasped in surprise at the same time as Kenny gagged at the idea. Stan tried to hold in a laugh, but he knew that this was a good idea. No idea that came from Kyle was a bad idea.

"G-gee Kyle… th-thanks a whole lot!" Butters stated with a smile. His smile faded a bit and he looked down at his lap. "I-I'll have to ask m-my parents first, b-but I think they'll s-say yes!"

Kyle smiled at how purely happy Butters looked. When they were younger the boys were assholes to Butters and… well, a lot of people, but now they were a bit more grown up and Kyle had learned to be a nicer person. He had to admit, making the little fluff ball happy was a good feeling… and seeing the way Cartman was glaring at them made it a great feeling.

"So I guess we're all going to the movies and then Wendy's on Friday," Stan confirmed. It took Kenny a few seconds, but he ended up nodding. When Big Gay Al dismissed them all the four boys walked to the stoplight together before parting ways. Since Kyle didn't have to go to the Elementary School he could walk farther with Stan until they had to part.

"So dude, what is your exact plan with this whole movie day?" Stan asked his super best friend as the two walked idly.

Kyle shrugged and laughed to himself. "Kenny hates Butters so much, it's sad. I just think that he needs to get along with Butters more. We hung out with him for awhile, so we know him, but Kenny doesn't."

Stan nodded in agreement and chuckled. "Dude, you're right. No, you're always right, so I guess you're just you."

Kyle laughed at this and nudged his best friend playfully. "The smartest kid you know?"

"The smartest person I know," Stan said with a smile. Kyle returned the gesture, blushing lightly at the softness in Stan's voice. Stan was blushing too, but he could probably blame it on the little cold front that was sweeping over their crappy town. Even still, he wanted Kyle to know something.

"Hey Kyle, I've been wanting to tell you something."

Kyle turned red and his breathing caught up. Tell him something? No… no, he needed to calm down. He was being ridiculous. "W-what is that?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalant. Instead his voice cracked and he smacked himself inside.

"Um… well, you've always been my best friend. Since before I could talk… and… I wanted to tell you that you-"

"You fucking fags!"

Stan and Kyle jumped and turned to the source of the sudden outburst. Kyle rolled his eyes and sighed when he saw who it was.

"Dude, what the hell?!" he questioned in frazzled anger. He was still a bit on edge from being ripped out of happy land.

The angry force in front of them stalk over to Kyle and grabbed him by the front of his long-sleeved, dark green shirt. "You are so going to pay!"

* * *

**Next time on The Merchant of South Park:**

**Stan and Kyle are confronted by an angry friend, but who is it? Is it Kenny coming to pay Kyle back for inviting his replacement along with them to the movies, or Cartman just being a douche bag ass hole? Also, when the boys finally get to the theater on Friday night, some very interesting things happen. And is that Hello Kitty in the line at Wendy's? Find out in the next chapter of: The Merchant of Southpark.**


	3. TMSP Chapter Three: Gambling is Fun!

**AN: Okay, so I kinda suck huh? Aha, yeah. Here's the long over-due chapter three. Sorry I took so long everyone. I promise you, chapter four won't take so long. It's already been started. Moving is a bitch though, what can I say? Aha hah... yeah. So enjoy?**

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**All characters and events in this fanfiction-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional. All celebrity descriptions are made up… poorly. The following fanfiction contains coarse language and due to its content should not be read by anyone.**

**South Park © Matt Stone and Trey Parker**

**The Merchant of Venice © William Shakespeare**

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Kyle glared at his offender and growled. "Payback for what you fat ass?"

Cartman sneered as he pulled back his fist. "For making me look like a fucking idiot today! You stupid ginger Jew, I'm going to turn your day walker face into a puddle of gush!" Cartman pulled back his arm and was about to punch Kyle when he was sent sprawling to the sidewalk. Kyle blinked and saw Stan standing there, huffing and red in the face.

"Don't touch him you asshole!" the black haired teen yelled angrily. Kyle stared in awe… that was a side of his best friend not often seen. When the football player finally got a hold of himself he picked Kyle up and glared at Cartman. "No one hurts my best friend!"

Cartman slowly stood up, his face red with livid anger. "You fucking fag! You're going to pay for this Stan Marsh, just you wait." Cartman then began back up, one fist balled at his side while his other hand cradled his jaw. "I hate you guys!" Then Cartman ran off in the other's direction.

Stanley rolled his eyes and turned to Kyle. He smiled softly and set his hands on the other teen's shoulders. "You alright Kyle?" He was genuinely worried. When he saw Cartman grab Kyle's jacket he was a bit on edge so the recoil was enough to send him lunging after the fatherless bastard. Even though…. that was a bit redundant.

Kyle looked at Stan, disbelief still painted on his face. Eventually he snapped out of it and nodded. Wow… Stan was so hot. Kyle quickly shoved that thought into his mind for later and chuckled in embarrassment. "Wow, I can't believe I almost got wailed on by the fattest kid in Colorado."

Stan laughed wholeheartedly before he began walking with Kyle again. He nodded, a smile on his face as he realized his best friend was okay. That was always a good thing, since Kyle had been acting oddly lately. Nothing too big… just evident signs that Kyle was going through a little something right now, and Stan would kill himself before he let his super best friend go through it alone. "Hey Kyle, if you ever need to get anything off your chest, and I mean anything at all, just tell me. I don't want you going through anything alone in life."

Kyle smiled at Stan, his heart warming and his blood pressure shooting back up as he nodded. Geeze, did this kid know how to light him up or what? Finally they arrived at Kyle's house, the first one to show up on the route they took when Kyle didn't have to pick up Ike, and Kyle turned to his friend for a high five. "Hey, it's no big deal. Just trying to sort things out dude."

Stan nodded as he returned the gesture. "Yeah okay, but don't forget what I told you. And don't forget to ask your Mom about the movies and then your place. You know how she gets."

Kyle rolled his eyes but smiled before waving goodbye to Stan. When he got inside he sighed happily before almost floating into the kitchen. Ike was doing advanced trigonometry as he sat at the table, a sandwich on a plate beside him. They'd only really kept him at his grade because of his speaking capacity, but he was a smart cookie. Ike looked up, gave his brother a look, and then proceeded to shout 'Kyle!' before running and jumping into his brother's arms.

"Hey Ike, how was school?" Kyle asked as he smiled at the little Canadian in his arms.

"It was good Kyle. I was the humungous terror monster who knocked down the sand city today! It was fun and all the kids liked me!" Ike stated happily. Well, they usually liked him, but sometimes he was heckled for talking like a two year old. Slowly he was faking an 'advancement' in the class. His teacher was a new, bright face, and Ike felt like it would be nice to make her feel like she helped at least one student.

"That's awesome Ike!" Kyle stated before planting a little kiss on his brother's forehead. "Where's Mom?"

"Bubbeh!" Sheila shouted as she walked into the kitchen. "Sorry Kyle, I was in the garage getting that sack of potatoes for tonight's dinner. We're having latkes and steamed veggies tonight!" She kissed both her boys before taking Ike out of Kyle's arms and sending him back to work. "How was your day dear?"

Kyle smiled and kissed his mom on the cheek. "It was good. Rehearsal was great and the rest of the day was fine too. Oh yeah, can I go to the movie on Friday with Stan, Kenny and Butters?" Hopefully his mother would say yes.

Sheila thought a little bit as she walked over to the counter and began preparing her potatoes. "Hm… I duno bubbeh, will Eric be there?" Sheila finally caught on that Eric Cartman was a disrespectful little brat and forbade Kyle from seeing him… which was fine with Kyle.

The redhead shook his head, making his curls bounce on his face which made Ike giggle. "No Mom, I'd never invite Cartman anywhere. He's a horrible person."

Sheila nodded then and smiled. "Okay Kyle, just be home by eleven. Is Stanley staying too?" Yup, Stan stayed over every time they went out somewhere and Kyle stayed over almost every other time. There was never a single day that one wouldn't see the other and by now the parents knew it was useless to say no.

"Of course Mom. I wouldn't have it any other way," Kyle said with a smile before giving his mother a gratified hug.

"Yay! Stan is coming over! He's going to go to space with us!" Ike cheered as he hopped up and down on his chair.

Sheila sighed with a little laugh before handing her eldest son a potato. "Alrighty mister, time to earn your right to go to the movies."

Kyle groaned before doing as he was told. It was only Tuesday but he already had a lot to look forward to. A lot meaning a lot of time with Stan. That was usually how Kyle measured things. Like vacations for example. An awesome vacation to the best art museums in Europe without Stan sucked. A vacation to the lake for two days with Stan was awesome. Yeah… the other male pretty much ruled his life. Kyle wasn't complaining though. Stan was understanding and seemed to want to spend just as much time with the redhead. Yes… it would be a very good week!

* * *

Just as Kyle thought; it had been a great week. School had been a breeze and Stan ended up being his partner on their history project. Rehearsals were swift and wonderful seeing as they weren't even far enough into the play for Stan and Wendy to have stage time together. They had actually come pretty far, but once it came to Kenny and Butters scene… well…

"I am _**not**_ calling Butters 'my love'!"

Big Gay Al groaned and slumped in his seat in the front row. "Kenny, pleasy weasy say it? Since yesterday you have refused to do anything! We're never going to get this done if you don't say it!"

Kenny snarled and shot a horrible glare at Butters, who shrank under the evil gaze. "I don't give two flying fucks! I refuse to do _**anything**_ with this wimp!" He then threw his script at Butters feet and stormed out of the theater. The cast gave a loud sigh and quickly began quipping insults at Kenny. Kyle frowned angrily at the fact that Cartman was leading the barrage of trash talk and turned to Stan.

"Dude, this sucks. I mean, I hate the fat ass and how he's talking down on Kenny but… man, we need to get this sorted out."

Stan nodded solemnly before suddenly turning rigid. His face showed an expression deep in thought and Kyle just knew the gears in his head were spinning as fast as they could. It was actually quite cute and the way his bottom lip thinned as his expression grew serious was-

"Kyle, I've got it!" Stan suddenly shouted as he shook his Jewish friend. Kyle blinked in shock before blushing and nodding along, still a bit dumbfounded. Kyle then watched as Stan ran over to Bebe and Wendy. The blonde was talking fast and looked very annoyed and Wendy had a sad look on her face as she nodded in agreement. When Stan ran up to them they greeted him openly, looking confused as he talked to them quickly while his hands moved about. When Stan was done Wendy looked at Bebe, said something and then both girls smirked before turning to Stan and nodding. They then quickly walked over to Butters, who was sulking in a corner, and picked him up with sympathetic eyes and soft expressions. Stan ran back over to Kyle with a huge grin on his face and Kyle stared at him in bewilderment.

"What did you do?" Kyle asked as he crossed his arms.

Stan shook his head with his big smile before taking Kyle by the arm and running outside with him. They looked around a bit before spotting their blonde friend leaning against a wall with a cigarette between his lips. Stan raised an eyebrow as they walked over to him and cleared his throat. "Since when do you smoke?"

Kenny glanced over to the two before looking back out over the pavement and spitting out the cigarette. "Since never, those things are nasty." He exhaled the smoke with a couple of coughs and grimaced. "How the hell do people smoke those things?"

"Carcinogens and nicotine within the cigarette produce addictive chemical reactions in the pleasure center of the brain," Kyle stated almost automatically. He received a look from his two friends and blushed deeply. "What? You asked."

Kenny sighed in frustration sliding to the ground. "I don't want to do this. I hate Butters so fucking much! He's pathetic, he's a freak, he's Cartman's little bitch and he has the nerve to try and take a place in _our_ group! Son of a bitch!"

Kyle frowned and sat down next to Kenny, Stan following soon after. After a few seconds of awkward silence Kyle nudged Kenny playfully. The poor student glared and looked away but Kyle soon nudged him again. When the blonde finally looked back at Kyle he started laughing. The redhead was making girly puppy-eyed expressions that, albeit weren't especially funny, lightened the mood considerably. Stan laughed along before standing and offering a hand to his two friends. "Come on Kenny, I know you can do it."

Kenny sighed before smirking in defeat, grabbing his friend's hand and standing up. Kyle too took Stan's hand and the three walked back into the theater… after letting go of each other's hands of course. There was a sigh of relief when Kenny reluctantly walked back into the theater and Big Gay Al immediately walked up to the trio. Despite the fact that Kenny was back he still looked worried.

"I hope you're happy mister moo, because now Butters has gone missing!" Kenny raised an eyebrow as he looked around. Yeah… he really was gone. Kyle sighed before turning towards Stan and impatiently placing his hands on his hips.

"Okay Stan, what did you do?"

Stan merely smirked before looking at the stage. Kyle followed his gaze and gasped as Bebe and Wendy walked out with Butters. The little blonde teen had a long, wavy, blonde wig on that went down to his shoulder blades. A sweet blue dress was draped over his flat frame and he looked like a very cute girl. Kenny and Kyle gaped in surprise for a bit before Butters tentatively walked over to his new friends. He was blushing heavily and looked at Kenny fearfully. "I-I-I was t-told that if I-I w-wore a costume m-maybe it w-would be easier for you t-to act…"

Kenny stared at Butters for a few seconds before looking over at Stan and Kyle. The Jew automatically pointed to his black haired friend who shrugged with a smug look on his face. The whole entire class was waiting for Kenny's response… well, half of them were staring at Butters in amazement. Kenny looked back at the dragged up teen and shrugged. "Okay fine. I'll do it one more time." The students cheered happily and the two blondes tried their act again.

It was obvious that Kenny was still not feeling it, even if Butters looked like a girl. After all, Kenny was bi and it wasn't Butters' gender that bothered him. Pretending that it wasn't the blunder headed boy that he loathed so much helped though. Big Al was so excited that they had gotten through the scene that he dismissed everyone early. Well… it was a mixture of excited gay glee and the need to get ready for a date. So everyone went to their respective houses to drop off their stuff and quickly met up at the town theater. Butters was the first to get there and Kyle, the ever punctual smarty-pants, soon followed.

"Oh hey! Butters!"

The tiny teen in the white Aqua t-shirt and light blue jeans jumped a bit but smiled nervously and wave. "H-hi Kyle. H-how are you?"

Kyle nodded as he stood beside his peer. "I'm fine. I was thinking that we'd actually skip out on Transformers though."

Butters rubbed his knuckles together out of habit and smiled a bit. "O-oh? What do you wana see?" he questioned curiously. It was more of a conversation keeper than a true curiosity, but Butters felt special right now. Someone other than Cartman was actually taking the time to have a talk with him.

Kyle smiled and nodded. "Yeah, since I've seen it eight times. I think Ninja Action VI would be an equally awesome action movie."

Butters nodded in agreement, bewildered a bit by the fact that Kyle had stated earlier in the week that he had not seen the movie. He had no time to question it further though, because Kenny and Stan walked up to the theater, laughing happily. Kenny's happy mood remained high even after he saw Butters but he refused to acknowledge the other. Kyle suggested the new movie idea and the other boys agreed before buying their tickets and drinks.

"Oh dude, I hope it's as good as the comics. If not it'll suck!" Kenny stated as he jammed a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

"Dude I know," Stan replied as he popped a few Reece's Mini's into his mouth, "because I heard that it's full of romance and emotional issues."

"Ugh! I hate when they do that in an action movie!" Kyle added in disgust. He rolled his eyes and sipped at his Cherry Cola and walked into the theater. Butters was just nodding along, not really knowing what the boys were talking about. The group of four climbed to the top of the theater and sat right in the middle. Stan and Kyle were, of course, sitting next to each other. The seats were so packed though that Kenny was left to sit in between Stan and Butters. After failing to beg Stan for a switch and getting a malted milk ball shot at him Kenny receded and sat down.

It was halfway through the movie and all the boys were enjoying it well enough. Stan and Kyle were exchanging comments on this effect or that stunt, and Kenny and Butters were watching silently. Kyle raised an eyebrow as he noticed a couple a few rows down getting a bit heavy on the making out. He nudged Stan, who nudged Kenny, and both boys laughing silently before pointing them out to Butters also. The innocent blonde blushed heavily and reluctantly scolded the boys before trying to go back to the movie. The three other boys did too and kept watching the film.

Eventually the couple a few rows down grew noisy. One was continually grunting and moaning like a beast and the other was telling him to get off. Eventually all four boys were watching as the couple fought, whispering angrily at one another and making a spectacle of themselves. Stan leaned over to Kenny and whispered with amusement, "Doesn't the one on the left sound familiar?"

Kenny nodded with a snicker, covering his mouth at the funniness of it all. Then, all of a sudden, the one on the left stood angrily and shouted to his partner, "No Carl, I will _**not**_ have sex with you in the theater! You stupid man whore pig!"

"Mr. Garrison?" the four boys exclaimed in surprise. Their English teacher turned to them with a look of annoyance before flipping the boys off and storming out of theater. There was an awkward silence in the theater before Butters burst into a fit of laughter. This caused Kyle to start laughing, which made Stan laugh, which made Kenny laugh and eventually the whole theater was cracking up so hard that poor Carl had to sneak out of the emergency exit, causing the alarm to go off. The whole movie theater was evacuated and the quartet ran from the place still in a fit off chuckles.

When they all finally stopped they were in sight of Wendy's. Stan took in deep breaths as he leaned against his super best friend, still laughing now and then. Kenny too had finally begun to calm down after rolling around on the ground. Butters was wiping his eyes as he stood there, a big smile on his face at both the situation and the fact that he got to have a good time with his new buddies. He had actually started the gaggle of laughs, so he felt mighty special. Even Kenny laughed too, which was good in his book.

"Alright guys, let's get going," Kyle stated with a large smile. The foursome walked into the restaurant and quickly sat down in the booth at the corner of the room. Kyle and Stan, as expected, sat next to each other. Kenny was forced to sit next to Butters, but at this moment he wasn't complaining. He got revenge in another way.

"Hey Butters, go order for us," Kenny commanded. Butters nodded before trotting off. A few seconds later he came back and asked what everyone wanted before running off again. Kyle sighed.

"Dude, you're treating him like shit."

Kenny scoffed as he slumped in his booth. "So?"

"Um, how about the poor guy doesn't deserve it?" Stan replied. "He's got Cartman up his ass every day and parents who are way too high strung. Not to mention he's been picked on since he was a kid."

Kenny was silent as he slumped back in the booth. Kyle felt a slight nudge at his side and looked at Stan. The black haired teen was giving him _that_ look. _That_ look was the look that made Kyle reach deep into his mind and find some sort of solution to this problem. Even if Kyle wanted to reject—which he didn't, because Kenny was being a total dick—those big blue eyes were too much.

"Kenny, how about we make you a deal?"

Immediately the blonde across the table sat up with perked interest. "Go on."

Kyle smiled. It was like he was fishing, and Kenny had taken the bait. Time to reel this sucker in.

"Well, if you can get through the scenes with Butters without making a total douche of yourself, we," Kyle stated with a finger pointing to himself and Stan, "will owe you. If you don't though, you owe us."

Kenny raised an eyebrow in curiosity. "And what would the owing deal with?"

"If you lose, you have to take Butters on a civilized, fun, and safe little date," Stan added suddenly. Seems like he'd finally caught on.

Kenny's face twisted in disgust. "Okay, but what do I get?"

Kyle took a deep breath. "If you win, Stan and I will make out for two whole minutes in the cafeteria."

The table fell into a shocked silence. Kyle couldn't believe he'd said that, Stan was bright pink, and Kenny looked like he was about to jizz himself in happiness.

"Oh fuuuuck yes~! You've got yourself a deal sugar nuts!" Kenny stated happily. He suddenly sobered up though. "Wait, does this apply to outside of practice?"

"Yes!"

Kyle looked at Stan—who was currently as red as a tomato—and immediately looked away. He might have screwed himself over with this one. Well… okay, maybe not. For Kyle, it was a win-win situation. If Kenny kept it up Butters would be delightfully happy. If Kenny wasn't nice he got to make out with Stan. The only issue _was_ Stan. Was he angry? Kyle didn't have the guts to look up again.

"Oh God, this is so fucking amazing!" Kenny leered as he leaned over the table. "I can't wait to see you two fulfill your deepest, darkest fantasy in front of the entire school."

Kyle and Stan gasped audibly and Kyle quickly shoved Kenny back in his place. When Butters came back with their meal Kenny just smiled and took his empty drink cup.

"Butters, let's go get some drinks for the guys."

"O-o-okay K-k-kennny…" the smaller blonde agreed as Kenny stood up. Butters looked at him in confusion when the usually cold teen wrapped a friendly arm around his shoulders before the two were off to the soda fountain.

When they were gone Kyle turned to Stan, his cheeks still the same color as his hair. Kenny had said 'you two' earlier, hadn't he?

"Do you know-?"

"Nope."

Kyle nodded as he looked back down at his tray and bit his lip. This was the most awkward moment the two had faced in a very long time. After a few more second of silence Kyle had enough. He nudged Stand in the side, causing the black haired teen to look up curiously. Kyle blushed again and smiled.

"Sorry for putting you through this."

Stan smiled and shook his head. "Nah, I don't think Kenny will make it." Kyle then blinked in surprise as his best friend's eyes suddenly lidded in a sexy way and he smirked at the redhead. "Besides, I've always wanted to know what making out with your best friend was like."

Kyle was absolutely shocked into silence. He opened his mouth to say something when Kenny and Butters came back, four drinks in hand. Stan pretended like he didn't just proposition Kyle in a way that made the Jewish boy's heart flutter, and Kenny was doing his damned hardest to be nice to Butters. Eventually Kyle pushed the earlier incident to the back of his mind and enjoyed the rest of the night. Besides, he could have his alone time with Stan back at their house.

* * *

"I swear dude, I don't think he'll ever settle down," Stand laughed as he laid beside Kyle on the Jew's bed.

Kyle shook his head and smiled. "I duno… I think he might." A sudden devilish smirk spread across Kyle's lips as he looked at Stan. "What if he and Butters started dating?"

Stan burst into a fit of chuckles as he rolled onto his side. Kyle was laughing along with him, only his eyes were more focused on how _amazing_ Stan looked when he laughed. When the black haired teen finally stopped he shook his head.

"Never gona happen. Not in a million years!"

Kyle smirked as he sat up. "I think it will." Of course Kyle had no actual belief that Kenny and Butters would ever become a couple; he just wanted to keep this going.

"Oh please Kyle. You've seen the looks Kenny gives him!"

"Well what about tonight?" Kyle asked as he poked at Stan's chest. "Kenny seemed delightfully sweet to Butters, and Butters ate it up like a lovesick schoolgirl!"

Stan rolled his eyes and smirked. "You know how Kenny likes to flirt. He just wants to see us with our tongues down each other's throats."

Kyle pouted defiantly. "I think you're wrong, so I'll bet you."

"Oh?"

Kyle smiled and nodded. "If Butters and Kenny get together, you owe me, and if they don't, I owe you."

Stan smirked again as he sat up with Kyle. "You sure feel lucky tonight, huh?"

Kyle just shrugged and smiled. "Maybe it's my father's gambling habit manifesting inside of me. So are _you_ feeling lucky, or not?"

Stan's eyes narrowed playfully. "What do I get if I win?"

"What do you want?"

Stan pursed his lips in thought for a while before he leaned in dangerously close to Kyle. The redhead felt his breath catch in his throat and he gulped. "If I win, I want you to be my bitch for the day and do… _anything_," Stan whispered softly as he trailed burning fingertips up Kyle's boxer-clad thighs, "_I _want."

Kyle shivered as his eyes slid close. He would gladly be Stan's bitch any day of the week if he treated him like that. Why was his best friend being so… touchy? Not that Kyle wasn't dying at the feel of it, but it was just so… teasing! Like Stan was turning into Kenny and mind-fucking with him. Although personally Kyle would have preferred the fucking staying out of his mind and in the physical realm.

"Deal," Kyle whispered back against Stan's lips. Two could play this dirty game. "But if I win, I want you to…" Kyle thought for a second before smirking, "blow me."

Kyle wasn't surprised when Stand pulled back in shock. It wasn't disgust or anything of the sort, since Kyle was trying his damned hardest to look like this was all just fun and games of dominance, but inside Kyle' stomach was churning. He waited as a look of blank thought came over Stan's features before the blue eyed male smiled.

"I'll take that bet," Stan replied with utter confidence.

It took all Kyle had not to cry out in joy at the possibility that Stan had _willingly_ accepted to suck Kyle off, no matter how much the odds were stacked against him in this bet. Stan had agreed, which was enough for Kyle. The redhead smiled as he shook his best friend's hand and laid beside him.

"I can't wait for you to lose," Kyle stated with a smirk.

"And I can't wait for you to be my bitch," Stan replied cheekily.

Either ways, Kyle knew this bet was still win-win for him. He wasn't a gambler, he was a chess player, and right now he had all the moves planned out.

* * *

Kyle looked at the scene in front of him in complete confusion. Kenny had an arm resting against the lockers above Butter's head as the tinier blonde stuttered and blushed like a fool. Kenny was all kind smiles and empty compliments that confused Kyle as much as they concerned him. When the redhead walked up to the blonde duo he smiled.

"Morning Butters! Morning… Kenny?"

Kenny furrowed his brows and scoffed. "Duh Kyle. Who else is this hot?"

Kyle shrugged and smirked. "Sorry, I thought aliens had abducted your ass and replaced you with someone pleasant."

"Hardy har," Kenny replied sarcastically before turning his eyes back to Butters. "Run along now and let the big boys talk, cutie."

Butters turned tomato red before nodding. He waved a 'hello' to Kyle and stuttered a 'goodbye' to Kenny before he ran off. Kyle watched him leave for a few seconds before punching Kenny in the arm. The blonde yelped and rubbed his arm, looking at his friend in confusion.

"What the hell did I do?"

"I duno, you tell me," Kyle hissed as he opened his locker. "What's with the flirting? We told you that you needed to be nice to Butters, not get his hopes up!"

Kenny scoffed and rested back against his lockers. "The only way I could possibly be nice to someone I can't stand is if I'm trying to get in their pants. Besides, you and Stan _never_ said that I couldn't try and get laid."

Kyle glared at Kenny as he slammed his locker door shut. "You know how Butters is! If you start flirting and being all nice to him he'll think you actually like him. Then, after you use him up and throw him away like a tissue the poor kid'll be broken. That **isn't** being nice Kenny."

Kenny stared seriously down at Kyle and grunted. "I only have to be nice until the play is over. If I screw the blonde dumbass up after, then it's no skin off my dick."

Kyle was at his boiling point when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Stan smiling at him weakly before the black haired teen waved at Kenny. Kyle immediately felt a sense of worry wash over him as he looked at his unnaturally pale best friend.

"Stan, what happened?"

Stan laughed lightly and wheezed a bit. "I had an asthma attack last night. I still feel a little short of breath."

"Dude that's harsh," Kenny stated with a wince as he patted his friend's back. "Did you jack off too hard?"

Stan turned a bright red color as he glared at Kenny before pulling out his inhaler. He took two quick puff before sighing and standing straighter. "Kenny, you're a dick."

Kyle rolled his eyes as he rubbed Stan's back comfortingly. "I'm glad you're okay. Take it easy today, alright?"

Kyle tried hard to hide the fact that he was a bit miffed for not knowing sooner. Stan hadn't called to say anything last night, and usually he was the first to know. But Kyle knew he had to just keep an eye out for his super best friend today. Just in case Stan wasn't able to get to his inhaler in time, Kyle knew he was prepared. The redhead kept a copy of Stan's prescription in his backpack at all times, just like he knew the blue eyed teen kept a bag of instant glucose candies in _his_ backpack if Kyle's blood sugar ever got too low. The two had been doing this ever since Kyle's drastic drop in blood sugar in the seventh grade, when the redhead nearly went into a diabetic coma because he hadn't eaten all day.

"Kyle? Are you listening?"

Kyle blinked and looked back at Stan and Kenny. The two were staring at him in slight concern and he coughed nervously.

"What was that?"

"I asked what you two were arguing about," Stan repeated with a light chuckle that was, once again, followed by a wheeze.

"Oh…" Kyle suddenly narrowed his eyes as he pointed at Kenny. "You! You better not go breaking that poor boy's heart!" He whipped his head over to Stan and huffed angrily. "Kenny says the only way to be nice to Butters is to fool him into falling in love with Kenny so that our little slut of a friend can spoil his innocence."

"I never said that!"

Kyle sent a glare at Kenny so deep that the blonde backed off a little. "That's exactly what will happen though."

Kyle heard Stan sigh and turned back to his best friend. Blue eyes turned to Kenny a bit warningly and he shook his head. "Don't go messing with him Kenny. The entire bet is off if you screw Butters over."

Kenny's eyes widened to the size of quarters before he scoffed in disgust. "Then this is going to be a harder bet than I thought. But no worries you two," Kenny stated with an evil smile, "you two _will_ make out in front of the entire school, and you two _will_ love every second of it."

Kyle felt himself turn red as he reached out to strangle Kenny, but the blonde merely side stepped and waved goodbye to the two. Kyle shook his head and sighed as he turned back to Stan, who looked like he'd gotten somewhat red in the face too. After a second Kyle smiled sheepishly and shrugged.

"What can you do about him?"

Stand laughed, wheezed, and nodded in agreement. "So true. Let's get to class."

* * *

**Next time on The Merchant of South Park:**

**Looks like the cards are down and the plot is rolling into action! What happens when Cartman tries to take sweet revenge on our fab four again? Will Kenny be able to keep it nice without ending up a total dick in the end? What will Kyle do when he finds secret love notes in his locker? Find out next time on: The Merchant of South Park.**


	4. TMSP Chapter Four: Not So Gay Old Times

**AN: Sorry for the delay everyone. The first semester is finally over at my new school, though, and I'll be able to supply good writing once again! I hope... Here's the next chapter, one in two parts. The second chapter will be up soon. This I am sure since it's almost done anyways. So enjoy this until tomorrow or the next day! Thanks!**

* * *

**All characters and events in this fanfiction-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional. All celebrity descriptions are made up… poorly. The following fanfiction contains coarse language and due to its content should not be read by anyone.**

**South Park © Matt Stone and Trey Parker**

**The Merchant of Venice © William Shakespeare**

* * *

Kyle sighed as he watched his second period Home Economics teacher explain the proper table settings. She was in the middle of describing the difference between a serving spoon and a soup spoon when Kyle felt three short vibrations against his hip. The redhead smiled as he flicked his phone out and read the text message.

"_Dude, Spanish sucks ass. You baking today?"_

Kyle rolled his eyes and smiled as he texted his friend back. _"No, no sweets today Stan. Maybe I'll bake for you this weekend if you're good?"_

Kyle pressed send and waited anxiously for a reply. He wasn't really interested in the shape of a red wine glass compared to a white wine glass, and he was overjoyed when he felt the same three buzzes on his hip.

"_Dammit, and I was hungry. By the way, you have my backup inhaler, right?"_

Kyle immediately frowned in concern as he read the text on the screen. Was Stan short of breath? Did he somehow lose his inhaler? When Kyle expressed his worries and pressed send he waited once again for a reply. As soon as he felt one buzz his phone was out again.

"_It sort of went missing. I'm not sure when. I might need to use the backup today. Sorry man."_

Kyle frowned a bit and texted back that it was fine before sighing. Stan lost his inhaler. While he knew he had a spare in his backpack and he knew Stan had leave from all rigorous activity today, Kyle just felt uneasy. Stan kept the dark red inhaler in his backpack pocket at all times in case of emergency. It wouldn't go missing unless somebody _stole _it, and Kyle didn't like the thought of that.

* * *

"A kinder gentleman treads not the earth," Pip stated in an airy tone. "I saw Bassanio and Antonio part: Bassanio told him he would make some speed of his return: he answer'd," here Pip shifted his position and rested his hand on Jimmy's shoulder, " 'Do not so; slubber not business for my sake, Bassanio but stay the very riping of the time; and for the Jew's bond which he hath of me, let it not enter in your mind of love: be merry, and employ your chiefest thoughts to courtship and such fair ostents of love as shall conveniently become you there:'" Pip then sighed and placed a hand on his heart, "and even there, his eye being big with tears, turning his face, he put his hand behind him, and with affection wondrous sensible he wrung Bassanio's hand; and so they parted."

Kyle rolled his eyes as he watched Pip rehearse the lines. It was the teary farewell between Antonio and Bassanio that the audience didn't see. Though it made plenty of sense to _him_, since Kyle could only imagine what he'd be like if he had to send Stan off to date Wendy.

"I th-think he only lo-loves the world f-f-for him," Jimmy replied to Pip with a nod. "I pray th-th-thee-ee, let us go and f-find him out and quicken his embra-a-aced heaviness with s-s-some delight or oth-ther."

Kyle's eyebrows lifted in slight surprise. So the speech therapy lessons Jimmy had been attending were going alright for him.

"Dude, Pip is one of the gayest actors ever."

Kyle chuckled at his friend's comment and shook his head. "Well, when you're dating the son of the most flamboyant person in Hell, you know you're pretty damn gay."

The two laughed a bit before settling back down. Kenny was sitting farther back in the theater and was trying his hardest to sleep. Too bad Butters couldn't stop talking to him about stuff Kyle knew Kenny had no interest in. In his mind, Kenny totally had this coming.

Kyle was about to mention that to Stan when he felt an urgent tugging at his arm. Kyle turned to see Stan gasping for air as another asthma attack hit him. The black haired boy was clutching his chest and wheezing like a fish out of water. Kyle immediately called for help as he started frantically looking through his backpack.

When Kyle found Stan's extra inhaler he nearly yelped with joy before uncapping it and pressing the mouthpiece to his friend's lips. Stan took the piece in his mouth and breathed deep as Kyle pressed the button. Stan's own hands clamored up to the button, pushing it down with Kyle's long fingers as the medicated air filled his lungs. After three more puffs Stan fell back into his seat and sighed.

The whole class was gathered around them, worried looks on most of their faces. Kenny had somehow managed to make it to Stan's other side during the commotion and was now patting his friend on the shoulder gently. Kyle hadn't taken his hand away from Stan's as he watched the asthmatic slowly breath in sweet air. Everyone was worried… except for a certain fat piece of crap that was cursing to himself in the back of the crowd. Kyle and Kenny both noticed this, but kept their attention on Stan.

"Oh my goodness gracious!" Big Gay Al gasped dramatically. "Stany, are you alright?"

Stan smiled as he sat up straight and nodded. "M-much better. Just… just not the right day for asthma I guess."

Big Gay Al nodded as he calmed the class down and let everyone go back to what they were doing. Kyle sighed and frowned as he looked over at Stan.

"Dude, that was terrifying. I haven't seen you have an attack like that in years."

Stan shook his head and sighed. "Not nearly as bad as that time you passed out in seventh grade."

"Dude," Kenny agreed in awe, "_that_ was scary."

Kyle blushed and shrugged his shoulders. "Well… you kinda saved me that day with those stupid candies you bought." Kyle chuckled and shook his head, squeezing his hand tight. "I'm glad I could return the favor."

That's when Kyle realized he was still holding Stan's hand and quickly pulled away. He coughed awkwardly before turning to Kenny. "S-so... um… how's Butters?"

Relief washed through Kyle as Kenny rolled his eyes and groaned. "You guys are absolute fuckers, you know that?"

Stan laughed as he pat Kenny on the back. "Tell us what happened."

Kenny groaned again and slouched forward. "I sit in the back of the theater to catch some Z's when the little blonde fluff ball pops out of nowhere and starts chatting me up. I think he wanted to tell me something important, but I didn't really give a shit."

Kyle huffed and frowned. "That wasn't very nice Kenny."

"I don't care. He's annoying as fuck!" Kenny stated with a roll of his eyes.

"Actually, he's kinda cute."

Kyle and Kenny both shot a look at Stan that questioned his sanity. The black haired teen simply shrugged as his eyes trailed to the blonde sitting a few rows ahead. He was talking to Wendy and Bebe—because they were nice to him and often let him hang out with them—and every now and then he'd put on a cute smile or blush and giggle. It was certainly cute, but in a childish way.

"I see nothing sexy about that," Kenny snapped with a slight pink hue to his cheeks.

Kyle caught this and smirked. "So you admit that he's cute then?"

"What? I just said-"

"You just said you didn't see him as sexy. He's still plenty cute though, right?"

Kenny growled and balled his hands into fists. He looked both slightly embarrassed and completely livid.

"No!"

A giggle was heard from Bebe and Wendy and immediately the boys turned their attention back to the group. Bebe was handing Butters a tube of what looked like lip chap. The blonde sniffed it, smiled, and spread it on his bottom lip. A pink tongue then flashed out to across that lip and Butters gasped in delightful glee.

Kyle turned to look at Kenny to see his reaction. The blonde was dark red at this point, but he was just glaring Butters down like there was no tomorrow. Kyle frowned at this. He wasn't sure whether Butters was beginning to get to Kenny or whether Kenny was just pissed. He kind of- no, he _really_ wanted to win his bet with Stan. But would it be morally corrupt if he tilted the odds in his favor just a little? Even if it meant hurting Butters? Kyle debated this for a second before clearing his throat and catching Stan and Kenny's attention.

"You can flirt with him," Kyle declared.

Kenny looked at him in shock before scowling. "What? Didn't you just say I wasn't allowed to toy with him?"

Kyle nodded. "I did, and I still mean that. You can flirt with him all you want though. Call him pet names, compliment him, etcetera… you just can't try and sleep with him… and you can't say anything that would lead Butters to believe you had feelings for him."

Kyle knew Kenny would be okay with this. He couldn't fake being nice most of the time, but if Kenny was allowed to flirt he'd be okay. Flirting was his number one game, and he was as good at it as he was at plowing boys and girls. Even still, his morality was wagging a finger at him in his mind.

_Bad Kyle! You're playing with fire right now and you're going to get burned._

The redhead growled a bit and shooed the voice away. The last thing he needed was his conscience screwing up his plans. That little thought sent the voice back with the full force of a Broflovski in rage. Kyle groaned and slid into his chair. Damn him for being a generally good guy.

* * *

"Well look who we have here!"

A resounding groan chorused through the table. Cartman was standing there with a tray full of food and a smile that was spiteful at least. His gaze was at first zeroed in on Kyle before he noticed more than one blonde head at the table.

"Butters, why are you sitting here?" Cartman asked with dangerously narrowed eyes.

The short boy squeaked a bit as he set down his PB&J before looking up at Cartman. Usually, Butters always sat with either his chubby 'companion' or at the table with the girls. Today, though, Kyle had offered him a seat and the blonde was ecstatic to accept it.

"I-I just wanted to sit with my new pals, Eric," Butters replied softly.

Cartman just scoffed and shook his head. "Stand up, you pussy. You're not sitting here."

"Says who?" Kyle questioned indignantly.

"Says me!"

"Yeah, well I don't think you're in much of a position to be demanding people around," Kyle spat at him loathsomely. "We're all pretty tired of your shit since yesterday's little stunt."

Here Cartman seemed to falter a bit as he feigned ignorance. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't act more stupid than you already are," Kenny stated in a bored expression as he held up Stan's inhaler, "because forgetting I can break into your locker is pretty damn stupid to begin with."

With a few indignant huffs and lame attempts to write the whole situation off Cartman left. A tension that had fallen over the table then lifted and everyone sighed a bit. Well, until Butters posed a statement that made Kenny's jaw clench.

"Gee, I w-wonder how your inhaler got s-s-stuck in Eric's locker, Stan."

"I wonder as much myself, Butters," Stan replied with a smirk and a shake of the head.

What the little blonde didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

* * *

Kyle was walking back from Advanced Physics when he noticed Stan was staring intently at his locker. When the redhead walked up beside him and saw a lime-green note sticking out of the bottom of it he felt just as perplexed as Stan looked.

"What's that?" Kenny asked as he appeared beside them.

"A… letter?" Kyle somewhat replied as he quirked an eyebrow.

"I saw it when I walked up to wait for you… but who's giving out letters?"

Kyle turned to Stan and shrugged. "I duno. Who do you think left it?"

Kenny then rolled his eyes and snatched the green envelope from the folds of the locker door. "Just read it and you might find out."

Kyle just nodded as he unsealed the letter and pulled out two pages of neatly written script. The ink was black and the words were pretty enough that it was probably from a girl. It also smelled a bit like mint-vanilla. When Kyle started reading he was shocked to find out what this letter was for.

"I-It's a love letter!"

Stan's eyes widened and Kyle noted how he immediately stood behind the redhead to read the contents. Kyle decided to make this easier and read it aloud.

"To the boy with the amazing green eyes. Kyle, I've been noticing you for quite some time now. You're one of the most unique looking kids in the school, and that's not bad in the least. You've got beautiful eyes, and every time I see them I want to stare forever. Your hair is so deep red and curly that I have to resist running my fingers through it when I pass you in the halls. You're gorgeous and smart and I'm surprised you're not already taken."

Kyle blushed bright red as he read the note. Well, this person was certainly flattering. It was probably just some girl that had a crush on him and was more poetic about her feelings than most. He'd certainly read enough of Stan's fan-letters to know how girls usually wrote. Even still, he read on until the second page. That was when things started to get interesting.

"Kyle, sometimes I dream of you at night. To have you pressed against me and whispering my name with that soft voice of yours. Just imagining your body sends shivers down my spine. Your beautifully pale skin and your soft hips. How I'd love to turn you over and slide my… my….. oh my."

Kyle's bright red blush darkened several shades as he read the explicit details of the second page. His little admirer was certainly **not** a girl, that was for sure. Behind him Kyle could feel Stan tense as he leaned back against the lockers. Kenny, on the other hand, had snatched up the letter and was laughing as he read the hot description on the page.

"Looks like someone has a boner for you, Kyle!"

"S-shut up, Kenny!" Kyle shouted as he stole back the note from his blonde companion. "I-It's probably just a prank or something anyways."

"No, it's not."

Both Kenny and Kyle were surprised by the dark undertone of Stan's voice. He was leaning against the lockers with a hard expression on his face as he looked at Kyle. Obviously this was more than just a joke to Stan.

"What do you mean, Stan?"

"I mean, whoever wrote that note is serious about his feelings for you. You don't put that much effort into a joke unless you really hate someone, and the only person who hates you _that_ much could never write something like that."

If Kyle thought about it, Stan was right. Cartman would never be able to write something like this just to piss Kyle off, and he didn't know of anyone who had that much of a vendetta against him to try and pull this kind of joke. He hadn't really done anything to make someone angry lately… had he? Then again, if it was true that this was a serious letter then that also meant that whoever wrote this letter was bold. They'd not only written…. well… that second page, but they'd also managed to ignore the possibility of being caught by sticking it in Kyle's locker.

"Well then… I guess I have a secret admirer," Kyle stated with a sigh of frustration.

Kenny patted him on the back and gave him a pearly white smile. "Hey, it's a good thing, my friend! You've finally got someone who's interested in you!"

Kenny and Kyle were once again surprised when Stan growled lowly.

"It's not a good thing. Not at all, Kenny." Stan spat out his friend's name venomously.

"Whoa Stan, calm down. It's really not that big of a deal," Kyle stated soothingly as he walked p to his friend.

"But it is, Kyle. I don't like the thought of… of some guy running around the school with sick thoughts of my best friend."

Okay, that may have hurt Kyle's pride a bit. The green eyed teen just swallowed the feeling and sighed. "And you'd feel any better if it was a girl?"

"Yes, honestly," Stan replied with an unhappy scowl. "At least then it wouldn't be some sick teenage boy having gross fantasies about you."

Okay, ouch.

"What's wrong with a guy having fantasies about me? You think I'm not worth that or something?"

"What?" Stan blanched as he stood from the lockers, looking at Kyle in surprise. "I never said—"

"Do you have a problem with someone having amorous feelings about me? No wait, do you have a problem with a _**male**_ having amorous feelings about me?"

Kyle was beginning to get pissed. Stan's answers were certainly not helping him in the slightest. Yeah, he'd be kind of happy if Stan had said something that made it seem like he wanted to protect Kyle from gross pervs, but he hadn't exactly asserted that. No, what Stan was putting forward was more along the lines of him being disgusted at the thought that a guy could have romantic, sexual thoughts about Kyle.

"That's not what I meant, Kyle! I just don't want some guy having gay feelings about you, that's all!"

Kyle's face turned hurt as he looked at Stan. "So… so what? You don't want a guy to be gay for me? You have issues with guys liking me?"

"Kyle…"

"You don't want guys to like me, right? That's what you're saying, because you said you'd be fine if it was a girl. What about me, Stan? What if I don't mind?"

"Kyle, what are—"

"What if I'm gay?"

Silence immediately fell between them. Stan was too shocked by the outburst and Kyle was too shocked that he'd let it slip. Kenny, who had been watching the entire thing, was shocked by the argument in general. After a few moments of suffocating tension Kyle quickly opened his locker and took his things. He then left for his next class without another word, leaving both of his friends standing there in silence.

* * *

**Next time on the Merchant of South Park:**

**Hell hath no wrath like an angry Broflovski. Kyle's anger has turned to hurt as the events of their argument sink in. Yet when he finds out who was leaving him dirty love notes in his locker, how will his feelings change? Neither Stan or Kyle are budging, but is it from stubbornness or shame? And what happens when the roles start to switch between two blonde pawns in Kyle's master scheme? Find out next time on: The Merchant of South Park!**


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